Nobody knows I've been struggling with an addiction for the past 5 months

When I was 17, I was sitting alone in my high school principal’s office, waiting for Mr. B to arrive at his desk. Even though I wasn’t told why I was called to his office, deep down inside I knew it was because of the cocaine that was found in my locker.

I sat there filled with dread, fidgeting with the white and blue Bank of Montreal pen that I found on Mr. B’s desk, rapidly bouncing my leg up and down to cope with the anxiety and the growing anticipation for what was about to unfold. I remember thinking, if I get expelled, I’ll never go to college.

After a few minutes, I heard the door open from behind me—it was the principal, Mr. B. He gave my shoulder a firm grab as he slowly walked around me toward his chair. He sat down and took a deep breath. Glancing up at me, he asked, “Do you know why you’re here? Can you tell me what was discovered in your locker?”

My eyes quickly filled with tears and I began to sob before I could get a word out. In that moment, I knew I was in serious trouble. Although Mr. B didn’t expel me like I thought he would, he did suspended me for 3 weeks. It was my third time getting suspended from high school.

Before ever taking a sip of alcohol or smoking weed, I was doing coke as a teenager. Cocaine was my first real love. It filled a void that nothing else could. Although it was very expensive, I was working a lot and basically had no bills. I always blew through my money (no pun intended).

After high school, my addictive behavior dictated my day-to-day life for the next ten years. I moved out west to British Columbia for college after graduating high school as a way to completely separate myself from everyone I knew—I wanted a fresh start.

But I ended up making friends with the wrong people and, as a result, not only did I continue my cocaine habit, but I started drinking heavily, smoking heroin, and doing anything else I could get my hands on. And for money? I was scheming. I had my ways and we don’t need to get into that right now. After all, this was a lifetime ago. I dropped out after two years, or rather, the school asked me to leave.

A decade long struggle ensued, which included a bout of homelessness in Toronto. Long story short, it took a looonnnnng time to straighten my life out. Many sacrifices have been made along my sobriety journey. I’m not sure if people understand that addicts aren’t just recovering physically, but also mentally, financially, emotionally—hell, even spiritually.

Fast forward to today, I haven’t touched hard drugs since the summer of 2017. Alcohol is another story. I’d be lying if I said I haven’t slipped up with alcohol since 2017 (because I have). Nothing crazy, but relapse is a very real part of recovery. It happens. Not that that’s an excuse… but it happens.

Why am I telling you this? Because nobody knows I've been struggling with an addiction for the past 5 months. Once I tell you what it is, you’ll probably laugh. Especially considering the drugs I used to do. I’ve told a few people already and they both laughed it off.

For the past 5 months, I’ve been vaping cannabis multiple times a day every single day. I mean I’ve been purchasing the most expensive, highest potency, high quality indica vape cartridges with live resin, pulling the longest drag I can get, holding it in for a solid 30 seconds, and letting it out. I’ve been doing that about 8 times per day for 5 months now.

I’ll have you know I stopped a few days ago and yes, there are withdrawals. I don’t care what people say. I haven’t been sleeping or eating, I’ve been extremely irritable, and the headaches have been something else. Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers, please. I’ve been through much worse than this, but I’m also much older and haven’t dealt with withdrawal symptoms in years. 😉

It’s also been a long time that I’ve consumed cannabis prior to this 5-month stint, so I’m feeling a little bit defeated about the situation. But this is just a season and I’m already out of the thick of it.

You might be wondering why I’ve struggled with drugs and alcohol. I have many valid theories as to why I’ve been living with an addictive personality, such as a lifelong struggle with my physical appearance and also with something I’d consider a form of religious trauma. I’m also certain that I’ve been living my entire life with an undiagnosed mental illnesses, if I’m being totally honest.

Thank you for reading. Please like this post (and leave a comment below if you’re a paid subscriber). These actions will help my Substack grow. Livestream hangouts will start soon for paid subscribers, date/time TBD (I’d like to completely be done with my withdrawal symptoms for a week or two before I hop on camera). This will be a fun place for us to gather and hang out.

Love always,
George